Toefl Essay Workshop-권하람, 김지호, 인혜민, 장석우

TOEFL Essay Workshop

10a1 김지호, 권하람, 인혜민, 장석우

1) Chosen Essay : The essay that our group chose for this workshop is Jiho Kim’s Essay

2) Why we chose this essay : The idea about changes in transportation in the near future was creative.

3) Merits&Shortcomings

① Merits

- Inspiring ideas about changes in transportation

- Organized well

- Clear body paragraphs

② Shortcomings

- Some of the sentences too wordy

- Little or no example of each idea

- Minor grammatical mistakes

4) Revision

In order to fill up the weak spot of the essay, each of us came up with some examples to support the ideas. Since the essay is about the expectation of future technology, most of them are corresponding examples from the past or present.

Also, we tried to revise the essay according to concision. This was done by erasing some unnecessary parts or changing sentences into more concise ones.

5) Original version

As time goes by, world is changing faster and more drastically than before. As technology develops, and as the world gets more complicated than before, changes are so fast that it’s next to impossible for people to catch up the changes. Among these changes, transportation will change drastically to be faster, more comfortable, easier, and more environmentally friendly.

 

First of all, transportation of 21 century will be much faster and more comfortable than the past. As the word globalization implies, it is impossible for people to live without the contact with foreigners and their cultures. Confronting such differences is much important for young people who will live in a world that is more complicated and which requires broader sight with vision and creativity. Such need will make the transportation to develop so that it can transport people faster and more comfortable since it will become a norm unlike before where only few needed to move such long distances..

Not only this, but it will be much easier for people to move around than now. Even though transportation system has developed a lot compared to the past, the process that we are required when going from one country to another is so complicated and hard for those who are trying it for the first time. 21^st century being the century of speed and simplicity, such processes will also get much simple so that people don’t have to worry about it even if it’s their first time. It might be hard to become true for another decade or so, but it seems possible that roads and rails would be constructed between countries so that moving between countries would be just like moving from one village to another in their home country.

          

Finally, more transportation will use environmentally friendly substances as their fuels instead of fossil fuel. The main reason why such change can be predicted is because the world is running out of usable fossil fuel. Humans used too much of it for past century, and it’s time for use to change different way that will allow us to keep the transportations moving. The second reason for this change is because more people are getting aware of the seriousness our environment is facing. Too much use of fossil fuel and exploitation of nature made the environment to get barren and dirty. Knowing that environment is one of the most important thing to us, it is a social trend to think more about the environment before trying anything. Such trend will also have a significant impact to change in the fuel used to run transportations, making technicians to invent cars and airplanes that can go by solar power or hydrogen.

          

To sum up, transportation will take more parts of people’s life as time goes by. More people will feel the need for better transportation than before, meaning that there will be drastic changes in transportations. Predictions mentioned above might not become a reality, but it’s certain that transportations will change a lot in one way or another.

6) Revised version

As time goes by, world is changing faster and more drastically than before. As technology develops and the world gets more complicated than before, changes will be made so fast that it will be next to impossible for people to catch up (concision). Among these changes, the change in transportation system will be drastic, changing transportations to be faster, more comfortable, easier, and more environmentally friendly.

          

First of all, transportation in the 21st century will be faster and more comfortable than the past. Let’s take an example of the development of ships. Starting out as a small raft, it eventually developed into sailing ships, steamships, merchant ships, and even cruise ships in order to fulfill the need of people. Especially, it is impossible for people to live without interacting with foreigners and their cultures, since the world we are living in is a “globalized world”.(Changed the structure of the sentence) Confronting such differences is very important for young people who will live in a world that is more complicated and which requires broader sight with vision and creativity. Such need will make the transportation to develop so that it can transport people faster and more comfortably since it will become a norm, unlike before where only few needed to move between such long distances.

          

Not only this, it will be much easier for people to move around in the future. Even though the transportation system has developed a lot compared to the past, the current immigration policy(concision-too wordy) is too complicated and hard for those who try it for the first time. 21^st century being the 'century of speed and simplicity,' such processes will also get much simpler so that people don’t have to worry about it, even if it’s their first time. Such drastic change will need another decade or so to actually happen(concision), but it is highly likely that roads and rails will be constructed between countries so that moving between countries would be just like moving from one village to another in one's home country. Existing tunnels like Mont Blanc Tunnel have been thought as impossible until they were actually built. Just like it was a innovation in transportation, numerous tunnels, rails, and roads will be built in the future as a way to innovate the transportation system.

Finally, more transportation will use environmentally friendly substances as their fuel instead of fossil fuel. This is easily predictable just by the fact that usable fossil fuel is running out.(concision) Humans used too much of it for the past century, and it’s time for us to change into a different way that will allow us to keep the transportation moving. Another reason that this change is predictable is that(changed structure in order to fit the rest of the revised sentences)more and more people are getting aware of the seriousness about the environment. Too much use of fossil fuel and exploitation of nature made the environment to get barren and dirty. Knowing that environment is one of the most important things to us, it has become a social trend to think more about the environment before trying anything. Such trends will also have a significant impact to the consumption of fossil fuel, making technicians invent cars and airplanes that can go by solar power or hydrogen.

 

To sum up, transportation will take a bigger part of people’s life as time goes by. More people will feel the need for a better transportation, and as such, bring (concision) drastic changes in transportation. Predictions mentioned above might not become reality, but it’s certain that transportation will change a lot in one way or another.